im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
