He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
