things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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