For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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