im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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