She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
