I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
