I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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