um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
