In America we eat man semen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
