i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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