I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
