so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
