i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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