Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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