I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
