you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
