Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
