Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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