Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
