I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
