Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
In America we eat man semen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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