you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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