If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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