Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
