I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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