Soap is not a condiment
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
