it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
