I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
