Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
