Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
