Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
