My friends, they love my intelligence
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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