I wanna bring you to show and tell
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
