I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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