I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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