At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
