Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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