Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
