I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
