i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
