By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
