u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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