halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
