Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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