make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
