if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
