my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
