my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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