You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
