the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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